I'm not a hundred percent sure as to how this happens. With the selfish interest of diagnosing myself I will try to describe it. It seems like life is just passing by, when it begins. Doing well to that point, happy and satisfied. Part of the problem is when I look back on it, I can't figure out why it started. I never recall a certain event that did it, so it's harder to prevent. Once it starts it starts to snowball. I almost can't feel the walls going up. I just plug along, as usual, but I start to backslide on my things that I need, and lose focus on myself. The longer I feel like it, the worse it gets. Instead of remembering to take care of myself, I sit and dwell on things that aren't half as important as they feel at the time. I go off into myself. It begins to feel like a room with all the walls closing in. I can feel them but I feel hopeless to stop them. My brain turns into a high speed overthinking machine. I think of everything from multiple angles, dwelling on them so much to where I can't remember to do or even if I do it keeps my brain down and keeps me from doing it. I feel.........lost? I wish I knew why I am so fucked up. I can make a list of the trauma in my life, blame it on that, but I won't. I will not make excuses. I am responsible for taking care of myself. I knew how to keep this from happening and I didn't do it. It wasn't a conscious decision but it doesn't matter. I am better than this, and I need to climb out of the abyss on my own.

"Let me see that in one single act of man on earth. Let me see it made real. Let me see the answer to the promise of that music. Don't work for my happiness, my brothers, show me yours. Show me that it is possible. Show me your achievement, and the knowledge will give me courage for mine.". -Ayn Rand-

"No matter how good you are, I'll expect you to wring everything you've got trying to be still better. And when you've worn yourself out to reach a goal, I'll expect you to start for another" -Ayn Rand-

"British colombian government has suspended a program to test the sexual responses of sex offenders. This is how the program worked: The test required offenders, as young as 13 years old, to look at images of nude and semi-nude children, and listen to audio descriptions of forced sex, while their physical responses were measured with sensors attached to their genitals." This is a direct quote from a newspaper in B.C. They suspended it, but why was it there to suspend.

To let someone offend you, is to give them power over you. Do you want to give them that control?

A good friend of mine called me the other day and told me her sister was on her way to the hospital, very sick. For some reason she didn't tell me anything after that, and I have been worried. I wish she would give me an update..........................................

Knowing you, you think I'm not waiting. That Ive forgotten. That I'm mad and I don't care. Not true. I'll be here, whenever it is, I miss you.

How does someone go from the epitome of fear to the epitome of trust? I can think back through the years and look for one single event, but it's not there. How did I go from afraid to let anyone in just a little bit, to trusting so wholly that I find myself talking about things that for most of my life I wouldn't even admit to myself that I had thought of. It has changed me so much that I have begun to be able to trust people shortly after I meet them, if they seem to be trustworthy. Not long ago that would have been something that took years, with a single mistake on their part making me walk away and start over. There isn't a reason, nothing tangable at least. I can't sit and ask myself "why" and have an answer. I've done a lot of soul searching, a lot of reflection, and I've asked myself some questions that were truly hard to answer, even in my own head. For a long time I told myself I was betrayed, but I didn't really believe it. Then I told myself I was the betrayer, but that wasn't true either. The fact is there was no betrayal, it was simply two people afraid. Afraid of each other and afraid of themselves. For some unknown reason, we lost our fears. I guess lost isn't the right word. We overcame the fears enough to face them, and in doing that faced each other. It is amazing the way it happened, because we came to face the fears seperately. We faced the fears, started to overcome them, and for some reason were drawn back together. I still am not sure how or why, all I can think of is that it was meant to happen, because it is so unlikely that there is no logical reason. It has been a struggle. For a while I had thoughts enter my head that tore my heart in half, and I"m sure I'm not alone in that. When I decided to try again I promised myself that I would have no regrets, that if it didn't work it wouldn't be for lack of trying on my part. I promised myself that I would trust, and if that didn't work it would tear me apart, but I would know that I gave it my all. There have been more than a few sleepless nights, and I know I've said some things and done some things that I would like to take back. Not long ago something amazing started to happen. The best way I can describe it is like two freeways, running parallel. I was one and she was the other. We were headed the same direction, and we were driving our asses off trying to get somewhere, but it sometimes seemed that we just couldn't drive on the same path. Then one day our freeways merged. We started speaking the same language, and the things we were saying to each other made more sense. The fact that they made more sense made them easier to remember, so instead of saying the same things over and over we started figuring out the solutions to new problems and the compound results are staggering. The fact that we are solving some of the issues we have had makes more time for us to enjoy each others company. We will sit and talk for hours without arguing, and it seems like every day we learn something new about each other. It is awesome. Now I know there will be bumps in this road, there always are. The solid foundation that we have built makes me confident that we can do anything, and the openness we share with each other keeps me confident that the happiness we are experiencing is just the beginning.

Bad day today, I've found myself feeling guilty for my natural reactions. Time to go to sleep and try it again tomorrow.

I've never been one who cares about blame. Blame is worthless to me. When something bad happens I try not to spend time trying to figure out who did what or whatever, I just try to fix it. It's not the same with blaming myself about things. I am narcissistic to a point, I don't fall directly into the dictionary definition, but I do believe that everything that happens in my life is controlled by me, and if it isn't, I am not doing my job. If something goes wrong, even if someone I care about does whatever it is, I feel responsible. I'm sure it's not the healthiest thing for me to do, but I do it and probably will continue to. The other day someone told me that being my friend was too hard to do. There were a lot of things that led up to that, but that is the endgame. That just talking to me made the urge to serve me hurt so bad because of the inability to do so, that not talking at all would hurt less than talking under those conditions. I understand. The fact is that I don't build relationships very often. I am pretty slow going with that most of the time, and losing someone under those circumstances is hard. Funny how generally happy I am. My life is awesome, very full of love. I have everything I need and more with who I have. At the same time it feels like I have been losing someone fairly regularly for a while now. One after the other after the other, and I don't know how interested I am in this happening again anytime soon. I think I am going to focus on the one I know I won't lose, and continue to build on that bond for now. So to the person mentioned in this post, if you're reading this right now, don't keep blaming yourself. I'm going to stop blaming me. Live your life and I'll live mine and maybe we'll talk again one day.