This is hard to write, but I am going to attempt it. I used to be able to say that I have never struck anyone in anger. I can't say that anymore, for I have done it now. I grew up thinking that doing this was something I would never do. My sisters dad beat the shit out of my mom, all the time. She couldn't have a discussion with him without getting struck. I hated him for it. It was the wrong thing to do. She is way smaller than him. He pushed her around, intimidated her. So I did everything I could to not be that guy, not use my size and strength to hurt, to scare. The other night wifey and I were having an argument. The reason for the argument doesn't matter for this post, but she has a tendency to get frustrated and become violent sometimes. So that's what she did. Got frustrated and hit me. I usually just let her, and the argument usually gets worse after that. This time I did something different. She punched me in the chest, so I punched her in the chest. Before she could react to that, I slapped her in the face, pretty hard. It scared me. I sat on the bed shocked with myself. Feeling really shitty. I felt like that guy, and I was telling myself how much of a piece of shit I was. The argument lost its intensity, and we went for a walk and talked about it calmly. She thanked me for slapping her. I almost cried right there. It meant so much for me to have her say that. I don't like that I did it, but it was a positive considering what could have happened. I am beginning to think that if I keep control of myself I may be able to use this as a diffusing tool and not beat myself up for it and it could be a good thing. As fucked up as it sounds it feels true.

She says: I freaked, and I lashed out. I was hysterical and nothing that happened in that state of mind would have solved the issue we were trying to discuss. Except one thing. I don't remember the punch. Reading this, I have a vague memory of an impact -- a shove, maybe, but nothing devastating. I do remember being slapped. It wasn't pleasant. It wasn't sexy. It was, however, the shock I needed to come back to earth. Reality. This isn't a man who hurts me just because he's pissed. I wanted to thank him right away, but I waited. I know how much it must have scared him to do what he did. Sometimes... The right thing doesn't feel right. I think that as wrong as he may feel about it, it is a tool. An effective one. And, while I hope that someday I can curb my irrational self-defense mechanism(s), it's nice to know that there are things we can do until then.  --Wifey