"The driving force behind most great people is insecurity. It doesn't mean all insecure people are great, but most great people are insecure."

How do you put into words something that is beyond description? I don't know. I wish I could have the thoughts and feelings that are in my head right now appear on this screen, perfectly described and instantly understandable, but I don't think that is possible. The last six years or so have been the most significant years of my life. I was released from prison in 2001. Directly after the 9-11 attacks, to be precise. I spent all of my formidable years before that running from something or someone. I used drugs to numb the pains and fears of my childhood. I felt trapped, doomed. I never really got to know myself when I was younger. I didn't want to. I was scared to death to go there. When I got in trouble it opened up my eyes. I didn't want to follow the path I was on. I was already an isolated person, but I walked away from my whole life. All of my friends who I had been fucking up with up until that point. I left a girl that would have and probably would still die for me. I didn't want to wake up one day and realize that it was too late. I had always had dreams of what my life should end up like. A wife, a few kids, a career. The only thing I had focused on was getting high and ignoring my needs. Leaving my ex was very hard to do, I still think about that decision and wonder what life would be like if I hadn't made it. This girl would never stop letting drugs rule her life, and I couldn't have what I wanted with her for that reason, plus she didn't want children. Though to be perfectly honest she wouldn't have been a good mother. She did not deny that, for what it's worth. When I met wifey I was alone. I didn't have any friends, I lived by myself. I had no idea what it took to have a healthy relationship. I had no clue how to communicate. I couldn't have guessed what a woman needs to feel loved and cherished. I don't know why she did it, why she knew my flaws and that they would crush her if I didn't work though them. She saw me, the real me, better than I could see it myself. I remember vividly her begging me to open up. I know that I caused a lot of pain, and the fact is the impression I was giving was not at all the same as what I was actually thinking or feeling. I have serious trust issues, everyone I had ever trusted had hurt me. This goes for friends, relationships, family to one extent or another. When she left I was crushed. I didn't sleep more than an hour a night for the first few months. This raw need was what I needed the most to open up my eyes to what I had to do. I don't think that seperation is the common solution to fixing a marriage, or any relationship for that matter. It worked for us. For me personally it put things in perspective. It is how I came up with the people as plants metaphor. I wasn't giving her the opportunity to get what she needed, and I was too caught up with what I thought I was supposed to do as opposed to what I needed to do for me that I just didn't do anything. When we started dating again it just felt different. I started being able to communicate more, and so did she. We spent a lot of time discussing what we needed, and what we were going to be able to handle when it came to us meeting our own needs. I am crazy, my mind is strange. She knows hers is too, and so do I. I have never felt with anyone else the closeness I feel with her. We can just touch each other and feel the connection. We are far from perfect, but we are perfect for each other. I have gained the trust to be given complete control of her, and she has gained enough trust for me to allow her to get what she needs from where or who she needs it. This girls love has changed my life. If I fuck up she helps me to fix it, if I do something right she helps me to maintain it. The same goes for her, most of the time. I am learning how to let her know when she does something good as well as asking her to alter what she is doing to make it easier for me. The dynamic of control to me is so simple and yet so complicated. I try as hard as I can to make sure that the submission that I recieve is the product of her feeling so loved and cherished that she wants to submit to me, not to make it to where if she submits to me I'll love and cherish her because of that. I want her to be free, to have her needs met. I want her to grow, as a person and as my wifey. We have hiccups. Polyamory is hard. We are both loving people, but we also have god/goddess complexes. I have never felt like this. She makes me feel like I am the most important thing on the face of the planet. I hope i deserve this, I really do. I have had a ring on my left hand for the majority of the last five years, and when I sit and think about it it burns my hand, that's how strong the connection is. This girl is special. She is the one who knocked down my wall. It makes it that much more remarkable that she saw through it, saw the real me, and tried even harder after she knew who I actually was. There is no way to describe my feelings. I feel like my life is better every single day I wake up with her by my side. The one who found me inside of myself. The one who handed me complete control of everything she does, complete control of who she is. Because she knows that I want her to be her, her is what I love. I have her mind, I have her body, and I have her soul. There is no greater gift, there is nothing I am more proud of or take more seriously than being her Master, her Daddy, her husband. I want to be vulnerable for her, I want her to know the real me. I have started to show it to her, and every time I do our beautiful plant gets fed and becomes larger and stronger. I have been lost with this, but I have found my way. I am honored to be the one she turns to. I am her hero, her knight in shining armor. I am the one that feeds her, while at the same time she feeds me. I am the luckiest man in the world. All because of my Anjelle.

Don't know if this is just some sick coincidence but: 2007: Chinese year of the chicken. Bird flu pandemic devastates parts of Asia. 2008: Chinese year of the horse. Equine influenza decimates Australian racing. 2009: Chinese year of the pig. Swine flu pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe. And it gets worse, next year, 2010: Chinese year of the cock. I'm very worried.

This is hard to write, but I am going to attempt it. I used to be able to say that I have never struck anyone in anger. I can't say that anymore, for I have done it now. I grew up thinking that doing this was something I would never do. My sisters dad beat the shit out of my mom, all the time. She couldn't have a discussion with him without getting struck. I hated him for it. It was the wrong thing to do. She is way smaller than him. He pushed her around, intimidated her. So I did everything I could to not be that guy, not use my size and strength to hurt, to scare. The other night wifey and I were having an argument. The reason for the argument doesn't matter for this post, but she has a tendency to get frustrated and become violent sometimes. So that's what she did. Got frustrated and hit me. I usually just let her, and the argument usually gets worse after that. This time I did something different. She punched me in the chest, so I punched her in the chest. Before she could react to that, I slapped her in the face, pretty hard. It scared me. I sat on the bed shocked with myself. Feeling really shitty. I felt like that guy, and I was telling myself how much of a piece of shit I was. The argument lost its intensity, and we went for a walk and talked about it calmly. She thanked me for slapping her. I almost cried right there. It meant so much for me to have her say that. I don't like that I did it, but it was a positive considering what could have happened. I am beginning to think that if I keep control of myself I may be able to use this as a diffusing tool and not beat myself up for it and it could be a good thing. As fucked up as it sounds it feels true.

She says: I freaked, and I lashed out. I was hysterical and nothing that happened in that state of mind would have solved the issue we were trying to discuss. Except one thing. I don't remember the punch. Reading this, I have a vague memory of an impact -- a shove, maybe, but nothing devastating. I do remember being slapped. It wasn't pleasant. It wasn't sexy. It was, however, the shock I needed to come back to earth. Reality. This isn't a man who hurts me just because he's pissed. I wanted to thank him right away, but I waited. I know how much it must have scared him to do what he did. Sometimes... The right thing doesn't feel right. I think that as wrong as he may feel about it, it is a tool. An effective one. And, while I hope that someday I can curb my irrational self-defense mechanism(s), it's nice to know that there are things we can do until then.  --Wifey

Two bullets to the head can not be suicide

I have a good life. Always loved, always needed, almost always happy. I couldn't ask for much more.

All at once, the world can overwhelm me. 
There's almost nothing that you could tell me
That would ease my mind.

Which way will you run, When it's always all around you.
And the feelin' lost and found you again,
a feelin' that we have no control.


Around a sun some say, there's gonna be a new hell some say.
It's still too early to tell some say.
It really ain't no myth at all.

Keep askin' ourselves: Are we really strong enough?
There's so many things that we got too proud of.
We're too proud of.
We're too proud of.

I wanna take the preconceived out from underneath your feet.
We could shake it off and instead we'll plant some seeds.
We'll watch them as they grow. And with each new beat,
from your heart the roots grow deeper.
The branches will they reach for what?
Nobody really knows, but underneath it all there's this heart all alone.

What about when it's gone.
It really won't be so long.
Sometimes it feels like a heart is no place to be singin' from at all.

There's a world we've never seen.
But there's still hope between the dreams.
The weight of it all could blow away with a breeze.
If you're waitin' on the wind don't forget to breathe,
'Cause as the darkness gets deeper we'l be sinkin'.
And so we reach for love, at least somethin' we could hold.
But I'll reach to you from where time just can't go.

What about when it's gone. It really won't be so long. Sometimes it feels like a heart is no place to be singin' from at all.

-Jack Johnson.-

(The lyrics don't do the song justice, it's beautiful)

"Much more genius is needed to make love than to command armies". Ninon De l'Enclos

"There are three classes of intellects: one which comprehends by itself; another which appreciates what others comprehended; and a third which neither comprehends by itself nor by the showing of others; the first is the most excellent, the second is good, the third is useless." Machiavelli